6.05.2007

Faith Based News-like Items




Oh Jebus.

EVERYBODY knows that you can't be President of the United States of Jesus without Faith. Faith that some invisible creep conceived us all and soaks up our dirty thoughts. We get it. Therefore, we don't need to go through another damn Presidential Election cycle where we have to suffer through weekly "news" reports about every candidate's identical belief in the Faith and Healing Power of Jesus. OK?

But evidently that isn't possible. The Boston Globe is running an article that indicates faith will play an even larger role this cycle. So, it's not just a race for the White House. It's a competition to see who has a bigger hard-on for Jesus. Obviously this puts Hillary at a huge advantage, because she can use Bill's AND her own personal collection of strap-ons.

But don't have faith in the Boston Globe's reporting. There's proof that we'll be discussing Jesus until he finally comes home and brings the pork chops.

Hillary couldn't have suffered through her marriage without the Powa! of Jesus! Silly me. I had faith in the power of the individual to rise above moments of strife. I thought Hillary was being a strong woman and a strong wife. Now I see that she was in the corner babbling to King of the Cloud Kingdom.

And who can forget that moment last year when Obama chastised Democrats for not competing for the support of Evangelicals. (In case you're not familiar with that term, Evangelicals are those people who feel the need to warn you that their car will be empty if Zombie Jesus shows up again.)

Mitt Romney is Mormon! And that's pretty scary for some people because "those people" believe that Jesus will come and rule Missouri. That's preposterous to those Evangelical secretaries who are expecting Jesus to come along and rescue them from traffic. But is America ready for a President that wears sacred religious underpants? Hmmm. I will agree that's certainly a question. But I guess it's OK just as long as he still believes in Invisible Hippie Jesus and his Dad, the all-knowing Magic 8-Ball of Faith.

What about Ron Paul? That sick fuck doesn't even mention Jesus, Christianity, or Religion on his website. He didn't want to use public funds to support faith-based groups. Sure, Wikipedia might say that he's Protestant, but he didn't mention it during the last debates. No wonder he doesn't have a chance to win...

Please, Jesus or Calgon. Take me away.

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