Sometimes I can't tell the difference between The Onion and the ramblings from Republicans. Take, for example, this speech from Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) about the use and structure of the internet, errm, internets.

There's one company now you can sign up and you can get a movie delivered to your house daily by delivery service. Okay. And currently it comes to your house, it gets put in the mail box when you get home and you change your order but you pay for that, right.

But this service isn't going to go through the interent and what you do is you just go to a place on the internet and you order your movie and guess what you can order ten of them delivered to you and the delivery charge is free.

OK. I think he has a loose grasp of the workings of Netflix. Now, the delivery charge is probably part of the overall monthly charge. Let's continue...

Ten of them streaming across that internet and what happens to your own personal internet?

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?

Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially.

Alright. Now, this is our point of departure. Stevens seems to believe that ten streaming videos on the internet will slow down your personal internet. Or maybe that your personal internet will be slow if you're watching ten streaming videos at once. Of course, either option is nonsensical. Once you add in all the dark fiber not utilized by the telcoms, there is enough bandwidth for waaaay more than ten streaming movies on the internet at once.

But I think it's the fact that he was sent an internet by his staff at 10AM on Friday and only received it the following Wednesday. Now, I guess I'm confused about how somebody sent Stevens an internet... over the internet? And it got tangled up with "all these things going on the internet commercially"? OK. Maybe he meant to talk about an email that was sent Friday and he didn't receive it 'til Wednesday. I wonder if it's because of the commercial internet, or maybe because the mail server was down...

So you want to talk about the consumer? Let's talk about you and me. We use this internet to communicate and we aren't using it for commercial purposes.

We aren't earning anything by going on that internet. Now I'm not saying you have to or you want to discrimnate against those people

So, is he talking about multiple internets? What the fuck is he talking about?

The regulatory approach is wrong. Your approach is regulatory in the sense that it says "No one can charge anyone for massively invading this world of the internet". No, I'm not finished. I want people to understand my position, I'm not going to take a lot of time.

Stevens is proposing a massive new regulatory approach to the internet. But yet the regulatory approach is wrong? Who the fuck is invading "this world of the internet"? What the flying fuck is the world of the internet? I don't think he even understands his position, much less anybody else...

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck.

It's a series of tubes.

And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.

The internet is a series of tubes? Does this include all the internets he's talking about? What about wireless internet? Would this be tubeless tubes? Can this get any stupider? Oh yes, it can...

Now we have a separate Department of Defense internet now, did you know that?

Do you know why?

Because they have to have theirs delivered immediately. They can't afford getting delayed by other people.

Um, no. The DOD has it's own internal ethernet because of security. Every government agency, major corporation, and university does. And do you know what happens if you work for the DOD and you are out of town? You log in remotely through the regular internet... The one made out of tubes.

Now I think these people are arguing whether they should be able to dump all that stuff on the internet ought to consider if they should develop a system themselves.

Maybe there is a place for a commercial net but it's not using what consumers use every day.

It's not using the messaging service that is essential to small businesses, to our operation of families.

The whole concept is that we should not go into this until someone shows that there is something that has been done that really is a viloation of net neutraility that hits you and me.

Let's get something straight. This guy is a pawn of the major telcos who are arguing that they cannot delivery high-bandwidth On-Demand video services unless an expensive two-tier internet is created. Maybe THEY should develop their own system. Oh wait, they already have. It's called the internet and the telcos have already laid enough fiber to run all of their high-bandwidth needs. They would rather try to milk us for more money to actually light the fiber.

Now, it seems like Stevens is worried about not receiving his emails, and he's concerned about the messaging service that is "essential for the operation of families". Maybe Ted needs to get a lesson on text messaging. Except maybe he would get really, really freaked out by the lack of tubes...


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