4.28.2007

Happy Fantastic News

I don't know if you've been following the news lately, but it's all good. It's beyond good. It's ultra-ribs. Let's recap:

Bush's AIDS czar didn't want to send condoms to Africa because abstinence is the only moral way to prevent the spread of STDs. He quit on Friday because he's been getting 'massages' from Washington DC's escort community. No word on how many 'massages' he received with his wife in the room. In his defense, he says that he's been using the services of Central Americans lately. The Republicans are blaming this on the scandal-hungry Mainstream Media BoogeyMan. In other news, they still want a restraining order against Bill Clinton.

Earlier this year Bush ordered a teensy weensy number of troops into Iraq for a tiny little fraction of time in order to make Iraq safe for Tony Roma ribs. Well, they need to stay for a teeny tiny little bit longer, but only because they need to keep searching for those elusive TEH AWESOME metrics that translate into Mission Accomplished 2.0. But don't you DARE say that we're losing. Successful Warfare in the 21st Century is measured by how long you stay!

How do you define success in the Republican Party's War On TEH TERRARISTS? Obviously an increase in the number of global terror attacks == VICTORIOUSNESS!!!!!!! If there are nearly 30% more terror attacks in the world, then sombody's been doing their job since 9/11, right?

Some commie pinko in the Army says that there is a failure in Generalship in our Army. Yeah, his title might say he is a Lieutenant Colonel or that his is a Deputy Commander, but he's obviously been watching too many Michael Moore movies. Even worse, he puts some of the blame on Congress. Hey you sick lefty, the Republican Congress confirmed the BEST people that Rumsfeld nominated. There's only a failure in Congressional Leadership for saying that we are losing this war!

A Christian Freedom Fighter left an explosive at a Women's clinic in Austin. It's not domestic terrorism. It's what Jesus would do... if Jesus knew how to make explosives. Thank God there are no hungry or sick kids on the East side of Austin that need any attention.

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