Frowny Face

Dear Middle East,

Sometimes I wish you would just chill out. Seriously. You have hookahs, hashish, and opiates.

Now, after you chill out I want you to think about a few things.

1. What the hell is your problem with women? Just treat them like normal people, not property for bartering. They can (kinda) drive. They can vote. They don't need to wear the bee-keeper suit all of the time. (However, that's negotiable if all your women look like Star Jones.)

2. What's with all the faith-based violence? It'd be alright if you could all kill each other at the same time, but that's never going to happen. Just learn how to live with each other's differences, or just choose not to live at all. I've always supported mass suicide, but mass murder is lamer than American Idol. Seriously. Just deal with each other.

Sincerely,
Hot Tuna

PS If you can't figure out how to share the Promise Land we are going to take it away and give it to armed Pagans. They will enjoy the hashish, treat the women right, and will probably blow less of it up than the rest of you people.